An essay by John Melonakos
Digging to the Root Issue
I’ve written before about resolving concerns as part of the commitment pattern. In order to properly resolve someone’s concern, it’s important to understand what lies at the root of the concern. Otherwise the resolution may just be a temporary patch and not a deep commitment.
This week I attended an EO leadership training. As part of the training, we practiced 1-on-1 coaching to practice digging deeper in a conversation.
Here are some takeaways:
- Reflect – repeat what you understood to create a connection of understanding
- Ask “Tell me more” frequently to keep the person talking. Also use “I’m curious about [fill-in-the-blank]” and open-ended questions
- Show empathy where appropriate and encouragement too
- Listen actively
- Recognize when strong words are used
- Recognize metaphors, similes, and comparisons and “tell me more about that” is a good follow-on to break those down
- Recognize incongruities in the story and ask for clarification
- Recognize absolutes (e.g. “always” or “never) and break them down with “Really? Is it [always] like that?”
- Recognize imperatives (e.g. “must do this or that or else”) and break them down with “Really? Is it really that imperative?”
- Recognize bland “you” statements (e.g. when people say stuff like “you know when you’re having a rough day”) and get rid of them. Prod the person to use “I” statements instead. Prod them to use proper names when referring to others as well.
- Recognize when the pace or pitch of the voice changes and be sensitive to tender moments
- Recognize facial expressions and body language
- Use this question: “Of these, pick one that describes you now: mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed.”
- Ask the Question of Essence: “What question are you hoping to answer for yourself in this [fill-in-the-blank]?”
- It’ll be a run-on sentence. Shorten it.
These tools can help dig deeper in a conversation.
Another interesting note was that 1-on-1 conversations should take place facing each other, seated, with two chairs and nothing in between (e.g. no table).
What ways do you dig to the root issue in your conversations?