(I published this post originally on May 16, 2018. Earlier today I posted about feeling lied to and focused on my religious journey. The same concepts apply to romantic relationships. For instance, in this essay I discuss the lies that often creep into relationships. Enjoy!)
As I have evolved in dating and romantic relationships, I have had thoughts on how two people might treat each other while getting to know each other. This post is written for your constructive (or destructive, because I enjoy any feedback, frankly) criticism:
There is no room for jealousy, lies (two kinds, see footnote #1), controlling behaviors, or negativity at any point in a relationship. If you have any of that in your relationship, then it is fake, wounded, and built upon sand, and it will crumble. If any of that is present, end it now. And if you have any of that in you, you will never have a successful relationship until you fix yourself; likely most of your other family and friends suffer from your behaviors too.
In all things, the only thing that you truly control is your internal character. With a deeply good character, anything else can swirl around you, and you’ll be just fine. Good character is awesome, comforting, and worth way more than cheap temporary shiny objects achieved with lies and dirty behaviors.
You should have so much healthy confidence in yourself that you could literally look the other person in the eye, and tell them, “If I find a better match for me than you, you should want me to take that other option. And if you find a better match for you than me, I want you to take that other option. If we both determine there are no better matches than what we have together, then let’s be a couple.”
It takes some time (not forever, see footnote #2 & #3) to determine all that. And during that time, it takes freedom from premature exclusivity to explore a relationship with that person as well as with other potential matches. You would want to explain this with sincere love for them individually as a precious human life; you want them to find their best match as much as you want to find yours (remember, this post is focused on initial relationships, see footnote #4). Selflessness, trust, hope, and positive outlook for the future are essential.
It goes without saying that both people must be fully honest, or the lying person is fake, and hence the relationship is fake, by definition. You are stealing time from another person, one of their most precious resources. You’re truly injuring someone who is innocent who is unaware of the damage being inflicted until too late. Sickening.
I did this back in 2014, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I will never come close to that kind of mistake again.
Consider deciding early on, while getting to know each other, guidelines you will live by, for example:
- Let’s have a rule: we won’t flirt with or be physical with each other’s friends. I value my friendships deeply, and respect is very important to me. Please don’t meddle with my meaningful friendships. If you have any interest in my friends, let’s discuss your feelings, and figure out what to do. Talk to me first–do not flirt with my friends. I will give you the same respect. I would hope my friends respect me enough to do the same, but I do not control them, so I do not know for sure what you’ll come across as we get to know each other. Let’s respect our investment in each other and the investments we have each made in our friends. Terrible destruction occurs with disrespect. Whatever we do, let’s be constructive and uplifting to everyone around us.
- Let’s respect each other by never lying, which should go without saying. But that doesn’t mean I need to know everything about the other people you are talking to right now or have in your life. I may need to know more as we become more serious about each other, but, for now, let’s just keep seeing if what we build together is worth pursuing. Let’s focus on each other while we’re together and keep living our own, separate lives while we’re apart. If we naturally start spending so much time together that other attachments naturally wane, then we’ll want to take it to the next level. I can’t wait to keep getting to know you!
As these thoughts have been percolating in my head, I have been watching how some people around me communicate with their early romantic interests. Here’s an example to illustrate:
Assume after dating for two months, two hypothetical people really like each other but are not exclusive. On a Thursday, one of the people asks the other via text, “What are you doing tomorrow night?” The other person actually has a date with someone else scheduled for tomorrow night. But they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Rather than say something truthful, they lie with, “I’m drinking beers at my old friend Jim’s house.”
Jim could be an old friend that the other person has never met and can’t contact. Is it a safe, innocuous lie? Nope. It’s the top of a terrible, slippery slope.
It’s so dumb to lie when you could just respond truthfully, “I have plans.”
Then either the other person will respect that you are doing your process to find your best match, or they will ask more questions that you can answer.
In every answer, always be truthful. You don’t have to answer every question. You can say, “I’m not ready to let you know how I spend my time each night. Let’s grow a little more together before we get to that stage.”
So, cheers to everyone out there seeking to be super fun (see footnote #5) and deeply good. Much love for you all.
Footnotes:
- There are two types of lies. When you speak a lie, it’s a lie of commission. Those are always wrong. When you fail to disclose information to someone that deserves to know it or break a promise without informing those whom you promised, it’s a lie of omission. In dating, it makes sense to commit when it is obvious that the temptation for lies of omission is low enough, though it may never completely go away. Dealing with the temptation to lie is one of life’s greatest challenges and outside the scope of this post. Dealing with the destruction caused by lies is discussed here.
- Some people never stop going from person to person. They stay shallow and never experience one of life’s greatest adventures: going truly all-in. The quest for the next great option becomes more attractive to them than any steady relationship. My mother remarks, “In finding a spouse, you need to get to know someone really well; you need to see what feelings develop; then you need to act. Don’t skip due diligence, and don’t act too soon, but don’t be unwilling to ever pull the trigger, either. Know enough, feel enough, and then leap.”
- Many people don’t believe that going truly all-in is better than shallow bouncing. So, they live a life of short, shallow relationships, that are nearly always tainted with lies. That’s like someone thinking they understand the full ocean by standing on the beach. Deep human relationships built on principles of goodness and integrity are perhaps the most rewarding achievements possible during life.
- Remember, this post is about initial relationships; things change as relationships deepen. For example, when someone cheats in a 25-year marriage, you don’t just wish them happiness in their new best match. It’s obviously much more involved. Fundamental character attributes are still at the center of what really matters. Things like patience, forgiveness, healing, backbone, diligence, hope, independence (not co-dependence), and duty are applicable in this cheating example.
- In my experience (no way for me to know for certain, so I may be wrong), it is easier for dull people to stay honest. Personally, I am drawn to people who are super fun and deeply good. Props to those that are both.
- Much of the phraseology and concepts in the above have been ingrained into my fiber since birth by my wonderful parents, Dave and Becky. When I proofread this, I thought to myself that I sound like my mother lol.
- Many thanks to my middle-of-the-night proofreaders: my parents who live in Croatia 6 hours ahead of east coast time, Kaylynn, Jessica, and Harlee.
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