In anything we build, we should do so with our focus on improving the “state of being,” not the “state of doneness.” In this post, I try to illustrate this concept in several ways. I define the two like this:
- State of Doneness: Self-esteem arises through an attempt to quantify achievement relative to an arbitrary todo or not-todo list. The focus is on keeping up appearances to mask being unwell, foregoing opportunities to become better in the wasted energy of worry.
- State of Being: Self-esteem is assumed and each day passes from a sense of confidence in oneself and ones ability to adapt to the course of a day with a mind for adding value and improving day-by-day. The focus is on being good and becoming better.
“Doers” experience anxiety of constantly checking themselves against a list of do-this and do-not-do-that. They do end up inappropriately leaning on worry as a form of doing that they tie to their warped sense of duty. To a “Doer,” the importance of time is overstated with the past and the future inappropriately stealing attention from the present.
“Beings” care less about which day it is and more about finding true happiness and joy for themselves and those around them. They master themselves into being present for others with love. Otherwise, there is no being happy.
Parenting
I’ve realized this for myself through various life experiences, but I saw articulation in some words from Shefali Tsabary in chapter 11 of The Conscious Parent, which I share my highlights below.
As adults, we are preoccupied with constant activity. The foundation of our self-esteem rests on the amount we do, how much we earn, how good we look, and how socially connected we are.
Our children don’t operate from this manic state until we teach them to be this way. For this reason, to parent consciously is to operate under a different constitution than society dictates. The truth is, many a modern child’s hectic schedule is more about the inability of parents to sit still than the child’s need to do so much. We have been raised to live in a state of constant “doing.”
When we are unable to meet our children’s reality from a state of being, they learn that life cannot simply be experienced as is. If we teach our children to predicate their sense of identity on “doing,” they will be unhappy every time life fails them in some way.
One of the most common forms of “doing” that we use to cover up our inability to just be is anxiety. When parents react to their circumstances with doubt, hesitation, pessimism, or distrust, unable to sit calmly in their present reality, anxiously seeking answers to how their future will look, children orient themselves to life in the same way.
More than anything, anxiety tends to surface as a need to control. Worrying gives us a reassuring sense we are “doing” something, fooling us into imagining we somehow have some control over things. Worrying is a mask for a fear of being present.
Those are some really strong words that ring true to me. I have experienced great anxiety throughout my life and have only recently learned to live in a state that builds for being not for doneness.
Product Building
Building products that have a positive social benefit is better than building products that tear us apart. For instance, in the principle of decentralization is embedded the opportunity to build a better internet.
Personal Improvement
In 2013, I wrote a post called “Goals Are For Losers.” The same logic of this post is echoed in that one. A good “state of being” works hard to improve putting systems of iterative lesson learning in place to grow.
I started writing this post on Valentine’s Day weekend but decided to put the computer down and “Be” a good Valentine to mine. It is a related concept for sure.
What else? What other aspects of this distinction can you articulate?
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